Are You With Mr. Right or - Mr. Right Now?
Have you ever been in a relationship where you were kinda, sorta happy,
but not completely satisfied? Are you in a relationship right now, where
sometimes you want to stay and other times you want to run for the door?
Do you constantly tell yourself and everyone else who’s willing to listen,
that as soon as you meet the Dapper Don of your dreams, you are going to
kick your current beau to the curb?
Who is Mr. Right Now? He’s the man who fills the missing places and spaces in your life while you wait for what you really want to show up. He’s that man who you date, mate and sometimes cohabitate with, while you secretly search for your ideal partner. He’s not exactly what you want, but he’s what you’ll settle for while you are looking. The difference between Mr. Right Now and Mr. Right is, Mr. Right Now is auditioning for the understudy, while Mr. Right is the man you hope will play the leading role.
As cold and cruel as this may sound, some of us go into relationships with men who we know from the very beginning, don’t quite meet our expectations, but we jump in head first hoping to fill a void or get our needs met. The problem with this attitude is, you are being unfair to yourself and your partner because you are settling instead of selecting and you are toying with another individual’s emotions. Sooner or later someone is going to get hurt and that someone could be you. No matter how you lay things out in the beginning, as the relationship moves forward and feelings develop someone is going to want more, invest more and eventually require more. Are you willing to take that chance?
Some of us in our haste to find a partner deal with men who we know are totally wrong for us, because we allow lack of faith, and fear of being alone draw us into meantime relationships. The funny thing about meantime relationships is that, most women who are involved in them truly believe that they are temporary. But believe it or not, the same women who thought that they were filling a temporary void are the very same women who ten years down the road and three children later are still hanging on to a wing and a prayer waiting for Mr. Right.
One thing I learned early in my dating life was that every relationship is like a silent contractual agreement. Each party agrees to fulfill certain obligations provided that the other party meets their expectations. When one party fails to uphold their end of the bargain all hell breaks lose and everybody blames someone else. Because of our unwillingness to wait for the right person, many of us accept anyone who shows up. As a result we sign and seal the deal without fully understanding what we’ve committed ourselves to, then blame the other person for not fulfilling our expectations. The only way to avoid locking yourself into an agreement that doesn’t meet your needs is to read the fine print before signing and make sure you fully understand what you are giving away before you seal the deal. This means you’ve got to be sure that what you have is what you really want. And if what you have is not what you really want then you must be willing to let it go.
I have never been in a meantime relationship without knowing it. There were times when I knew long before I got seriously involved, that it wasn’t going to work, but I waited until I was deep in the muck of it to admit it. There were times when I convinced myself that I could change him or learn to love him, but no matter how hard I tried or how often I complained, I couldn’t make him into the man I wanted or needed him to be. And the funny thing is I knew this right from the start and still I settled. Perhaps I chose not to pay attention to my feelings because I didn’t want to hear what they had to say. And most of the time it was more comfortable to live a lie. Maybe I stayed too long because I didn’t know how to be alone and like many women I didn’t trust that I could be whole unless I had a man. Or, perhaps I subconsciously chose men who were totally wrong for me because as long as I knew he wasn’t “the one” I could rationalize not letting him get too close. Whatever the reason, the truth is, when someone isn’t right for you, there is absolutely nothing you could do to make it work. No matter how you cut it, as long as you remain in an emotionally bankrupt relationship, you will end up broke.
If you are so willing to be with the wrong man imagine how wonderful it will be when you find the right one. You cannot and will not attract the right mate as long as you are with the wrong one. The universe cannot send you what is destined for you if you are not in alignment with your destiny. If you are caught up, tied up or even knocked up by the wrong man the right one cannot get to you. Know and believe that you are capable of attracting the right mate who will be good to you and good for you. Here are 5 tell-tale signs that will unequivocally indicate if the man you're with is your Mr. Right or your Mr. Right Now.
1. You are ashamed of him and will not allow your family and friends to meet him.
Sometimes you’ve got to kiss a few frogs to find your prince, but if your partner has more in common with the Amphibian Kingdom than the Human Species you might want to re-think your relationship. If you will only be seen with him after dusk and before dawn then a red flag should go up. The truth is, when you find a man who you truly believe has the potential to become a permanent fixture in your life, you will feel that he is the best thing since sweet potato pie. Let’s face it. If you are ashamed to introduce him to your friends and family, if you would rather eat broiled, brussel sprouts than bring him to the swanky soiree at the office, or if you refuse to admit that you’re even in a relationship with him unless forcibly held by gunpoint, then he is obviously not the man for you.
2. You find fault with everything he does.
We women can be difficult to please at times. But when everything your partner does drives you over the edge then it probably means you don’t like him as a person. Now if you are ordinarily a self-righteous nag then this guideline does not apply to you, because no man will ever be able to measure up to your rigorous standards. But if you are a reasonable sane woman in a relationship with a man who bends over backwards to please you and it’s still not enough, then he is probably not your Mr. Right. All relationships take work but when helping him live up to your ideal becomes a full time job then he is not the one. When the right man comes into your life you won’t have to fix or change him because he’ll be perfect for you.
3. You have nothing in common outside the bedroom.
O.K. so you’re swinging off chandeliers, creating a new form of aerobics and body parts begin to thump just thinking about a rendezvous with Dr. Feelgood. Contrary to what your body may be telling you, good sexual chemistry does not equate true intimacy. If you have nothing to talk about when you’re above the sheets how do you expect to form a solid relationship? If your Mr. Right is only right when it comes to taking care of business in the bedroom then what you’ve embarked on is a maintenance man who knows how to use his hammer when your tool box gets a little rusty Don’t confuse Dr. Feelgood with Dr. Love. When you find the right man, you’ll enjoy sharing much more than a romp in the sack.
4. You constantly tell yourself that as soon as someone better comes along he’s black official history.
While there’s nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself, if you are in a relationship and still looking, it means that you don’t have what you really want. If your partner’s days are numbered until he pays that outstanding bill, takes you on that exotic cruise, gets you through the holidays or, until the man you really want shows up, then he is not Mr. Right. The problem with this arrangement is, that while you are actively involved in your meantime relationship you are too tied up to make room for someone else. So you will end up spending a great deal of your life waiting with the wrong man instead of working with the right one. Wouldn’t it be a shame to waste the best years of your life playing house with the wrong person instead of building a home with the right one?
5. You are moderately happy but not truly satisfied.
No one person can meet all of your needs, but when the right person comes along, you should feel a deep sense of satisfaction and authentic joy. If you are angry or sad more often than you are happy then you’re not with the right mate. There may be moments or occasions when you feel a surge of happiness but at the core of your soul you feel that something is missing. You may not be able to put your finger on it, you may not be able to explain it to anyone else but you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is not exactly what you had in mind.
We must always remember that life has a funny of giving us exactly what we settle for. As difficult as it may be you must trust that your divine mate is being prepared for you just as you are being prepared for him. The only way to get what you truly want in a mate is to select instead of settle. When the right man comes along you won’t have to fix, force or sell yourself short in order to make it work. You will know in the depths of your soul that he is the one. You won’t have to change or rearrange him because your Mr. Right will be just right for you.
Cassandra Mack, MSW is the CEO of Strategies for Empowered Living Inc., a New York based seminar company that offers staff development training and personal motivation workshops. She is the producer and host of, "The No More Drama Hour of Power," an online talk radio show of the New York Carib News. To contact Cassandra visit her on the web at: http://www.strategiesforempoweredliving.com/
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